The Language That Tech Companies Use Needs Another Makeover

Whoever is writing the marketing announcements that tech vendors are using today, ought to get a makeover to remove the meaningless phrases that are just as bad as comb-overs, brilliant Chicklet-like teeth, and shiny stretched skin that makes the beholder's eyes pop out at you. You know who you are Donald, Kenny and Wayne. Is this what banking is all about today?I blame this current phenomenon on Las Vegas. Bankers love to go to Vegas for their conventions, and some marketing guru must have figured out that behind that gray suit lives a life of fantasy, hype, dreams, and short memories (sub-what?). Conclusion: Feed the desires. This problem could have been avoided if bankers went to conventions in Lincoln, Neb., or Boise, Idaho, or Duluth, Minn., even Cleveland.

Here are some of my favorite targets regarding meaningless language:

World Class: Does that mean a vendor that has a customer in Bangladesh or Kazakhstan qualifies as world class? Should I call my report "world class" because it now includes companies in Bangalore, Mumbai, Beijing and London? Would Midwest Software be upset with me because it's in Laurel, Mont., (another world) and I never called my report a world class report? Here's my advice. Drop the "world class." It's two words that mean absolutely nothing. Even "More Doctors Smoke Camels Than Any Other Cigarette" at least meant something, whether you believed it or not.

Reach Out to You: Here's another politically correct expression that has modern tones taken from the Great Society days of the Johnson Administration. Back then it was called Outreach by the Labor Department. As a consultant with a large international firm, we were hired to make the Great Society work. So behind the euphemism of "Outreach," what really happened in the ghettos was a bunch of local workers knocked on doors and yelled, "Come on down to the center so we can show you how to get a job!" Now if a vendor wants to reach out to a banker, there's a better way to do that, and it's not by flipping the words. What's wrong with, "We'd like to talk to you about..."?

Share With You: The word "share" seems to imply we've got something that we'd like you to have. In other words, "we wanna sell ya something". The last time I liked hearing "share", I was 16, at the Capitol Theater, and my date wanted to share my popcorn because she couldn't eat a whole box by herself. I saved two bits that day and that was good thing. Since then, however, every time I heard "share", someone was trying to con me.

Fully-Integrated: There are 61 brands of core systems in the bank tech marketplace. Every vendor would have you believe they are "fully-integrated" systems. Not one is. According to my definition (and I believe any astute banker's definition), they are a far cry from fully-integrated. More accurately, they should be described as, "Mostly integrated plus third-party solutions that are interfaced." Dump the "fully" part because it's a lie. Even though "integrated" is far more elegant than "interfaced," it's often the only way to get the whole enchilada.

In-Depth: Is anything tech not in-depth? "Oh, we've got this skim-the-surface kind of Business Intelligence model that will disclose 5 percent of your loan risks."

Partner: I prefer telling it like it is, "I'm the vendor; you're the customer." I thought partners were people who divided everything up in equal parts-profits, losses, defaults, embarrassments, assets, children. "Our subprime portfolio has been declared valueless. Since you have been processing our loans as a 'partner,' how much of the loss are you going to take?"

Speaking of the Great Society reminded me of a partner at Booz Allen that I worked for. Hal was from Maine, sharp as a tack, and smarter than any slick-dressed Fancy Dan. After I'd prepare the usual 50-page proposal to a government agency, Hal would write the cover letter. After seeing the cover letter, I would usually say, "Hal, let's dump the proposal and just send in your letter." He would then invite me to "lunch" to talk about it, but lunch was at the gym sweating out the 60 minutes more than an Enron exec under Mike Wallace's hot seat interrogation. After a shower and a ten minute walk back to the office, I knew we had a winner. And win it did-my detailed substance plus Hal's down to earth charm.

Learn from that folks. Bankers put their pants on one leg at a time, or pantyhose sitting down. They won't fall for meaningless marketing language any more than they'll ever accept a phony credit application.