It's been at least 15 years since I "enrolled" on the Internet, and I knew it would take a while for it to mature, where mature means getting rid of the scam artists. I was wrong. The Internet will never mature to my idea of a clean, wholesome resource. Today's interlopers must think we're all stupid, and we'll fall for their con games. So I took matters into my own hands, or fingers, and learned how to bypass the abuse. I offer some tips, although I'm sure you have your own.

• avoid any e-mail that uses all caps in the subject. All caps is like a car salesman screaming at you for emphasis. Would you buy his pitch or change the channel?
• avoid any e-mail that uses punctuation marks in the subject. Legitimate senders don't have time for grammar.
• The word "update" is worse than the word "steal" in the minds of screening systems. I now use "send me your fresh data" when I update my annual research report, instead of "please update your company profile." "Please" is also a bad word because crooks think politeness will get them past a spam hurdle.
• avoid any e-mail that uses the word "friend." Real friends don't have to call you one.
• avoid any e-mail that uses the word "investment," especially if it's from your brother in law.
• "congratulations" and "you have won" are also lies. If you ever win anything, you won't find out about it on the Internet.
• anything foreign is automatically a scam. Italian, French, German and Arabic are popular languages used.
• avoid ANY e-mail from Nigeria.
• "unclaimed accounts" are like oceanfront property in Arizona.
• Have you read about the snake oil salesman who rolled into town offering the elixir that cured every pain? If you believe that sort of thing today, click on.
• Are you obese? Then pills, mail order food, a book, or a chanting guru won't solve your problem. The delete key is a good exercise for you, in addition to the best cure of all - push-away from the table.
• In looking for healthcare reform your best bets are Hillary or McCain, and if you can't find solace in them, just know that a rainbow sherbet cone at Baskin-Robbins will make you feel better than anything you'll find on the Internet, and at a price anyone can afford.
• I have nothing to do with ebay or paypal, so I know all these guys who want to buy something from me can't be real. Another clue is that my pseudo account was supposed to have been suspended years ago, but I still get e-mails threatening to suspend.
• My banks never send me e-mails, so when I get one from any bank, I know it's a bad guy.
• Lookin' for luv? I'm not sixteen anymore when I was in love with Marilyn Monroe. So any invitation for romance has got to be a virtual figment of some weirdo's imagination.

Now here's the worse part, folks. About one percent of the time I see an e-mail that my internet service provider suspected was evil, but turned out to be a legitimate sender. That sender used all the "wrong" words and was diverted to my spamfolder. Given the chance, I drag them back to the field of legitimacy. So finally, my best advice to you is don't dig your heels in. Who knows, a modern day Marilyn Monroe may be out there looking for a guy just like you, who saw you racing through the mall last night. How legitimate is that?

If you need a silver lining to hold on to with respect to all the good things that the Internet has to offer, here's one. Originally there were 14 candidates for president. Never did I receive even a hint of an offer from any of them for my vote - not a stay in the LIncoln Bedroom, a State Dinner at the White House, a tax-free year, a weekend at Camp David, quail hunting on an every-man-for-himself protective shoot, an 18-hole contest with the Pres while mentioning certain parts of the female anatomy, a free tour of Baghdad in a pre fully-armored humvee, or a DVD of W's last state of the union address. Now this is an Internet you can respect, folks.

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